December 1995: "Dreamgirls"

"Then I decided to try a lap dance on my husband, Josh; I made him sit in his recliner and I told him that I could touch him anywhere but that he couldn't touch me, and that it would cost him $150. He asked me if lap dancing was a Jewish folk art, and I told him to stop being anti-Semitic and added that a Jewish lap dance would include dinner."

September 1995: "The Jitneys of Suffolk County"

"Now, I loved the novel of Bridges, mostly because it's so short that you can actually read it just by rubbing the book on your upper arm, like a nicotine patch."

August 1995: "Patriot Games"

"Bruce mostly wears just a strap T-shirt, which has become a kind of macho Wonderbra, and he teams up with Samuel L. Jackson, and the best thing they do is hijack a cab from midtown to Wall Street, speeding and aiming at pedestrians and doing everything a real cabdriver would do, except leave the radio on at top volume playing nothing but static."

July 1995: "She Ain't Heavy"

"I have always had a secret crush on Bill, because I read that he gave up teaching to become a movie star. I like anyone who abandons selfless, underpaid work for a life of shallow glamour; my folk hero is a man I once heard about who signed up for the Peace Corps but changed his mind at the airport—I like to think that today he's go-go dancing somewhere."

June 1995: "Thanks for Nothing"

"Condé Nast Traveler was nominated for two pieces that I'm sure were well researched and beautifully executed, and it's a pity that travel magazines exist only to be stuffed into the back pocket of the airline seat in front of you, along with an airsickness bag."

 

May 1995: "The Dumb of Us"

"Lately, stupidity has been blooming in movies about misfits, especially women and gay men from Australia. Australia was originally settled as an English penal colony, and the sentences ranged from hard labor to the creation of brightly colored, pop feature films that would allow the prisoner to be transferred to Warner Bros."

April 1995: "Pulp Victory"

This one's a guest column by Libby's "tragically single" friend Stacy Schiff.

"I have been attempting to diminish my nasal-labial folds and crow's feet by copying such French actresses as Isabelle Adjani and Isabelle Huppert, who avoid aging by remaining facially immobile. Isabelle Adjani is now carrying Daniel Day-Lewis's child, and Libby and I are convinced that she will deliver the baby by murmuring, 'Eet ees here' and handing it to a nurse."

March 1995: "Largesse"

"Liam and Natasha actually have to speak in Nell's private language and rediscover childlike wonder, which can cause both Golden Globes and uncontrollable giggling."

February 1995: "Brunets Have More Fun"

"Disclosure makes all sorts of noises about entering the Internet age and climaxes with a virtual reality sequence; despite this, the plot pivots on Michael obtaining critical information by eavesdropping through an open doorway like the villain in a silent movie, and all but mouthing 'Aha!'"

January 1995: "Gothic Arch"

"I asked my dear friend, the still tragically single Stacy Schiff, if she would consider marriage to a monster, and she said, Hey, Ivana didn't do so badly. I reminded her that at one point in the movie, Robert literally rips out Helena's heart, and Stacy replied that at least the next day he didn't turn around and marry a model."