November 1997: "He's So Vine"

"As I have told Jennifer, we can think of Brendan as an heirloom quilt or a wedding veil, something to be handed down from one generation of Gelman-Waxner women to the next, to remind us that God must be a female, because after making olestra and Vogue's twelve-pound September issue, She made Brendan."

July 1997: "Yep, I'm Not Gay"

Another guest column by Libby's "tragically single friend," Stacy Schiff ...

"My mother, as usual, said I just need to lose five pounds, have my legs broken and lengthened, and learn how to let my eyes flash alluringly whenever I pass a man on the street, even if he's got a jagged beer bottle and no pants."

Special Issue 1997: "Bride and Prejudice"

Another guest column by "Libby's dearest friend," Stacy Schiff, from Premiere's 1997 "Women in Hollywood" issue (published in December of '96, I believe) ...

"If a celebrity gets married without at least one helicopter carrying some guy from the Star with a zoom lens, can it really be called a marriage?"

March 1996: "Girlfriendly Fire"

"I asked if Jameesa thought that the O.J. verdict was a wake-up call showing how polarized the races are in America, and she said, No, it was more like the latest 'Who Shot J.R.?' and that only in America is racism treated like the ultimate Super Bowl, with T-shirts, instant replay, and way too much commentary from the sidelines."

April 1995: "Pulp Victory"

This one's a guest column by Libby's "tragically single" friend Stacy Schiff.

"I have been attempting to diminish my nasal-labial folds and crow's feet by copying such French actresses as Isabelle Adjani and Isabelle Huppert, who avoid aging by remaining facially immobile. Isabelle Adjani is now carrying Daniel Day-Lewis's child, and Libby and I are convinced that she will deliver the baby by murmuring, 'Eet ees here' and handing it to a nurse."

January 1995: "Gothic Arch"

"I asked my dear friend, the still tragically single Stacy Schiff, if she would consider marriage to a monster, and she said, Hey, Ivana didn't do so badly. I reminded her that at one point in the movie, Robert literally rips out Helena's heart, and Stacy replied that at least the next day he didn't turn around and marry a model."

December 1994: "Heavy Mettle"

"Everyone had been begging me to go [Rollerblading], including my dear unmarried friend Stacy Schiff, who Rollerblades in full makeup, a black bodysuit with pantyhose, and an Hermès scarf tied as a headband; Josh had suggested she try skateboarding with a white veil, a bouquet, and a lawyer, so the divorced dads playing visiting-day Frisbee in the Sheep Meadow will be absolutely certain to get the hint."

July 1994: "Clear and Present Boredom"

"Actresses are always complaining about how there are no decent roles for women, but I don't see a lot of stars taking any juicy chances the way Kathleen does. Are female movie stars really jealous of the roles that male stars get? Do they really wish that they could be playing another troubled gangster or attorney on the run or policeman falsely accused of brutality and frozen in a cryogenic prison?"

June 1994: "Adam's Crib"

"It's supposed to be a charming romantic confection, and it sort of is, except that most of the people in it are English, which pretty much kills the hot-stuff angle; a naked Englishperson seems like something that has had its shell removed and been left on the highway. I think English people feel that sex is something Americans do because we can't read."

November 1992: "School for Scandal"

Although this column falls within the five-year period covered by Libby's 1994 book, If You Ask Me, it didn't make the cut. Too scandalous, maybe?

"Bridget stars in the recent thriller Single White Female; my dear friend Stacy Schiff says they stole the title from her tombstone. Bridget costars with Jennifer Jason Leigh; both girls look about 21, so Woody would probably consider this a Jessica Tandy film."