December 1997: "Mein Hair"

"Staying beautifully groomed in prison also has a proud Hollywood tradition, from Robert Redford's Sundance shimmer in Brubaker to Stallone's Waikiki bronzer in Lock Up; Mitchell said that stars only go for pallor and emaciation when they smell a forced-march or fatal-disease Oscar and get a hold of the Jeremy Irons smoking-and-dissipation home-workout video."

November 1997: "He's So Vine"

"As I have told Jennifer, we can think of Brendan as an heirloom quilt or a wedding veil, something to be handed down from one generation of Gelman-Waxner women to the next, to remind us that God must be a female, because after making olestra and Vogue's twelve-pound September issue, She made Brendan."

September 1997: "Ship of Fools"

"My cousin Andrew told me that you can see Ewan's penis frequently in that art film The Pillow Book, but I still need more proof; a penis on an English actor is often just a special effect."

August 1997: "Lethal 'Wedding'"

"Her best friend is Dermot Mulroney, a hunk with whom she once had a college fling; Julia and Dermot have promised each other that if they aren't married by the age of 28, they will marry each other. When I heard this bargain described early in the film, I settled blissfully into my seat, knowing that any traces of recognizable human behavior had been completely banished from the screen."

July 1997: "Yep, I'm Not Gay"

Another guest column by Libby's "tragically single friend," Stacy Schiff ...

"My mother, as usual, said I just need to lose five pounds, have my legs broken and lengthened, and learn how to let my eyes flash alluringly whenever I pass a man on the street, even if he's got a jagged beer bottle and no pants."

June 1997: "Stars and Cars"

"Deborah is the only person in the movie to achieve the perfect Crash facial expression: She always looks monumentally bored and slightly aroused, like a nymphomaniac on a coffee break; she's always staring moodily off into the distance while the wind swirls her Viking-blond hair, as if she's already had violent sex with everyone in North America and is trying to choose her next continent."

April 1997: "The Sorrow and the Pity"

"Almost none of the actors in the movie have a character to play, and they all look desperate and uncomfortable, as if they know they should be thrilled to be in a Woody Allen movie but they can't remember why; they all seem to have little, invisible Post-it Notes on their foreheads that read HELP ME!"

March 1997: "'Lady'-bugged"

"[The English Patient] is about a great doomed love affair in the African desert on the eve of World War II, between Ralph Fiennes and Kristin Scott Thomas; in fact my only complaint about this film is that it shows a passionate sexual relationship between two English people, an event that up until now has only been partially achieved in the lab."

January 1997: "Sight Unscreened"

"The new Whoopi Goldberg comedy looked like fun, but how could I be sure that it really wasn't just the last one with a different title? I have known people who've gone to see Whoopi's films and gotten caught in an endless loop, only to finally break free and boomerang helplessly into an Adam Sandler, Chris Farley, or Wayans family continuum."

Special Issue 1997: "Bride and Prejudice"

Another guest column by "Libby's dearest friend," Stacy Schiff, from Premiere's 1997 "Women in Hollywood" issue (published in December of '96, I believe) ...

"If a celebrity gets married without at least one helicopter carrying some guy from the Star with a zoom lens, can it really be called a marriage?"