November 1998: "Dirty 'Mary'"

"... I decided that the secret of its huge box office is this: There's Something About Mary features such incredibly attractive actors as Cameron, Matt, and Ben doing the stuff—most of which involves tongues and odors—that was previously reserved for John Belushi, Chris Farley, Sam Kinison, and other dead comics with weight problems."

November 1997: "He's So Vine"

"As I have told Jennifer, we can think of Brendan as an heirloom quilt or a wedding veil, something to be handed down from one generation of Gelman-Waxner women to the next, to remind us that God must be a female, because after making olestra and Vogue's twelve-pound September issue, She made Brendan."

June 1997: "Stars and Cars"

"Deborah is the only person in the movie to achieve the perfect Crash facial expression: She always looks monumentally bored and slightly aroused, like a nymphomaniac on a coffee break; she's always staring moodily off into the distance while the wind swirls her Viking-blond hair, as if she's already had violent sex with everyone in North America and is trying to choose her next continent."

September 1996: "Doing Lines"

"... I have also read that at the highest levels of awareness, Scientologists are told about an early alien invasion of Earth; I have trouble with the Second Coming, but I like any religion that prophesies the box office potential of Independence Day."

December 1994: "Heavy Mettle"

"Everyone had been begging me to go [Rollerblading], including my dear unmarried friend Stacy Schiff, who Rollerblades in full makeup, a black bodysuit with pantyhose, and an Hermès scarf tied as a headband; Josh had suggested she try skateboarding with a white veil, a bouquet, and a lawyer, so the divorced dads playing visiting-day Frisbee in the Sheep Meadow will be absolutely certain to get the hint."

November 1994: "How Swede It Is"

"All around me were families of every race, color, and creed, some with one tiny terrified grandmother clutching a large plastic purse; it was great that all of these ethnic groups were shopping together, but I felt very guilty about sharing the American big-butt thing with innocent Koreans and Jamaicans and Indians. It's as if they gave us delicate calligraphy and graceful temple dancers, and we gave them refrigerator-size sneakers and the concept that oversize T-shirts worn to the shin are slimming."