March 2003: "I Know Why the Jailbirds Sing"

"I'm finally beginning to remember the characters' names, which include Gimli, Aragorn, and Legolas: 'Don't they all sound like laundry products from other countries?' Andrew asked."

January 1998: "I Love Lucifer"

"He's married to Charlize Theron, who comes with him to Manhattan, where Al's firm gets the couple an eight-room apartment on Fifth Avenue, which proves that, as we all know, Satan is a real-estate broker. Even God can't get you into a building on upper Fifth, where even Adam and Eve are considered new money."

September 1997: "Ship of Fools"

"My cousin Andrew told me that you can see Ewan's penis frequently in that art film The Pillow Book, but I still need more proof; a penis on an English actor is often just a special effect."

September 1996: "Doing Lines"

"... I have also read that at the highest levels of awareness, Scientologists are told about an early alien invasion of Earth; I have trouble with the Second Coming, but I like any religion that prophesies the box office potential of Independence Day."

June 1994: "Adam's Crib"

"It's supposed to be a charming romantic confection, and it sort of is, except that most of the people in it are English, which pretty much kills the hot-stuff angle; a naked Englishperson seems like something that has had its shell removed and been left on the highway. I think English people feel that sex is something Americans do because we can't read."